Hold my beer...

In the name of advancing theoretical concepts for applied quantum mechanics.

To the few stragglers still sauntering in, please make sure you are in the right room. We had a last minute scheduling concern forcing me to postpone the much awaited Stories of Hollywood, Hollywood Will Never Tell for a more pressing topic entitled:

Theoretical Concepts for Applied Quantum Mechanics.

Wait — hold on! For just one second, please!

Before you start crawling all over one another to get the hell outta here, I know I’d be remiss if I didn’t take this opportunity to ask you all for a simple favor. Would you mind taking part in a brief, but wildly entertaining experiment? Hell, it might even make you laugh.  No, seriously — it won’t be anything like SNL.

Phew — thank you all so, so much. I know my Mom is very grateful to all of you for sticking around. She doesn’t even care why, she is just thrilled she’s not the only one in this room… though that thrill may be short lived.

Alright, let’s get this party — ah, shit.

I should’ve mentioned this as you were all coming in.  It might help if you were aware of the wildly popular thought experiment called Schrödinger's Cat. Or… Google.

I can wait…

Seriously Mom? — I already told you. The cat in the box, ya know — It’s both dead and alive — nothing?!?! Ugh… fine. Yes, DuckDuckGo quickly, please.

Are we all on the same page now? Amazing, okay.

It will soon be apparent that some liberties have been taken, but my team and I stand behind the integrity of our experiment. Honestly though, I’m just an actor disguised as a writer, playing a professor, so bear with me.

Shall we begin? Let us set the parameters for the experiment.

In place of the steel box, I will be using the hotel room in which I am currently residing, near the Kansas City Airport. It is the closest thing to a steel box I was able to find, or rather have found myself in.

I will be replacing the cat. Well not me personally, my career rather.   My life as an actor will remain in limbo — both alive and dead — until one outcome ends, the other takes place and my fate is determined.

See how much fun we’re having? Maybe I missed my true calling. A professor of quantum mechanics.

Let’s talk poison. In the name of physics, and the integrity of our experiment, our poison — I mean… come on. it’s obviously Hollywood, right? The entertainment industry as a whole.

We’ve finally reached the moment you’ve all been waiting for.

I will now place my future in your hands. Thus far, you have maintained your role as a passive, albeit entertained, observer. That will change at the very same moment the radioactive material is introduced into our experiment.

Your psychological disposition is only a moment away from being confronted by an external force. Namely, radioactivity.

Your reflexive response will, in essence, serve as your Geiger counter, leading you to use reason and judgment to determine if the radiation levels have become fatal to my career in Hollywood.

This will be the moment when diverging views are expected, encouraged even. It is imperative that your personal beliefs are what guide you, as it will determine your final task in our experiment.

To pick up the hammer and smash the vial of poison… or not.

For example, if I were to say something like — “Let’s go, Brandon” — and your reaction is one of resistance or even rage, congratulations! You have been awarded the opportunity to seal my fate with a swing of the hammer. If, however, your reaction is neutral, or dare I say celebratory, congratulations also. You have been awarded the opportunity to sit down and watch as my fate is sealed. Yes, you heard correctly. We’re all winners here.

What else do we need before I can experience a state of career superposition? In a split second, twenty plus years of a career will be both dead and alive. I’ll admit, it’s kind of exciting. At least, I’ll always have my quantum mechanics degree to fall back on.

Okay, so lemme just double check my math here. My career is the cat… in a hotel room which is the box.  Hollywood is poisonous. The observers and their dispositions become walking Geiger counters, some will hear a call to action and pick up a hammer, while others will hear a call to sit down. I think that leaves only one last variable.

And look at that, we made it! Nobody’s even left… yet. Mom, you owe me 20 bucks.

Speaking of…

So, my Mom here, she can attest to the fact that I have an innate ability to use my words in way that could potentially be interpreted as radioactive. Naturally, I’m flattered and honored to help advance quantum mechanics forward.

Here we go — for real this time.

“Make America Great Again. With a side of fuck yeah!”

-Cam Gigandet

“I would have endorsed Donald Trump, but I decided to let Elon take the spotlight.”

- Cam Gigandet

Wait, one more to ensure indisputable radiation levels can be measured — Mom, can you just ummm —

Hold my beer…

“The real reason every celebrity in America condemned the statements Trump made to Billy Bush, and subsequently banished him from Hollywood’s inner circle, was not because they found them to be reprehensible and inappropriate — rather it was because they knew those statements were true. Donald Trump broke the first and second rule. You do NOT talk about fight club — It exposed a very well kept secret about celebrities… that they are in fact, just as human and fallible as the rest of us.”

-Cam Gigandet

What? No, Mom. I was the one exception, I had no clue that was even an option — celebrities getting whatever they want? — it’s a crazy notion, I agree, but hold on — gimme one second.

Alright folks — the experiment has begun. Why don’t we all take five while I finish preparations for superposition.

Mom, don’t worry. They’ll come back. It’s all going to work out just as I planned… you know what they say about plans, right? — ‘they always work out’.

Well — regardless of how this chapter concludes, I don’t regret any of it. It all lead me to finally finding peace and happiness. If you really knew how dark this roller coaster ride had gotten over the past twenty years, your jaw would hit the floor. Still… I need you to know that it was all worth it. As my Mom — you were obviously around for a lot of the “yucky phases” — just not all of them. If I wanted to maintain my status as both the golden child and the funniest in the family, it was imperative that some of my “yuckier phases” be kept to myself. Hell, my skeletons have their own walk in closets at this point — and yet, I’d happily do it again to have what I have now.

Looking back and, of course now, witnessing your son suspended in some weird, both figurative and literal limbo, I’m sure that you wish you could have steered me down an easier path.

While I am beyond grateful to be so fucking loved by my painfully misguided parents, let me be crystal clear — none of what I did in the past was your fault, nor was it your responsibility to fix. Not even the pinecone fiasco — for an eight year old, my punishment was fair and just. And little did I know, it was only the beginning…

It took over twenty years of a Hollywood ass whooping for me to finally learn the lessons I needed to become the man I now am, willing to face the unknown — even if I have terribly miscalculated how this moment will unfold and my future will simply be that of a perpetually closeted conservative, pretending to be a writer, unsure if he should continue his role as the professor in limbo. So, take solace in the fact that, had you tried to soften the blows, my progress may have been slowed, and would possibly have prevented me from experiencing the events that, while undoubtedly painful, have also lead to the greatest things in my life.

Had my past been slightly altered in any way, not only would I not have Ever, Skelly, and Parm (yep, real names) — I wouldn’t have earned my place next to the woman that made it all worth it. I met the love of my life on a movie (that was snubbed by the academy). Hannah has not only given me a second chance to live the kind of life you have always wanted for me, she gave me a perfect baby boy. Well, his circadian rhythm might need adjusting, but aside from that, totally perfect.

—Mom, please stop looking at the door, they’re probably not coming back.  Oh, and you should know, this musing, experiment, or whatever people will call it, is the first of many. I will continue honing my craft as a pretend actor commentating on the sorry state of our culture — so, like Matt Walsh… but funnier.

— Yes, they will get funnier. I’m saving the good shit for the bigger crowds. Just wait until I muse about the real controversial stuff like walking into the wrong rooms, or the real entertainment industry, or even my theory on the chicken or the egg… anything but Puerto Rico-

I dunno why, I just heard there was nothing funny about it.

Back when everything seemed to be going exactly as I wanted, you asked me why I couldn’t be happy with everything I had — a fair question, which I believe I can finally answer; Yes, I got everything I wanted — or at least thought that I wanted — and I knew I should be grateful, but it was also inhibiting me from getting what I actually needed, which was to stop getting every meaningless thing I wanted.  I needed to struggle, to be brought back down to earth, perhaps even a bit further down than that. Being the stubborn son of a bitch I am, I needed to begin my search for happiness from rock bottom… what can I say, I’ve got a flair for the dramatic.

Turns out, silver platters only serve unrest and discontent. It almost reminds me of Icarus flying too close to the sun—

Well, sort of… err… Maybe Moses… Nope. huh-uh, I’m not going to compare who had more struggles, but for the record, I had 14 — I wonder if I can make that joke?

Ah, I got it… I’m reminded of a quote — one that always provided me a glimmer of hope in my darkest moments.

“It is only when we have lost everything, that we are free to do anything.”

- Tyler Durden

I will happily sacrifice my livelihood for the freedom to be who I am — the freedom to finally think for myself and say whatever the fuck I want.

                                    🫳🏼

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                                   🎤

-Said with love

P.S. This is not Cam Gigandet, but I will act as though I am him, pretending to be a writer with a new musings released every Friday. hopefully…