I did it all for you...

subconsciously, but still.

I’m afraid I have some bad news class — It appears that Cam Gigandet — continues to endure the quantum limbo he bravely risked in the name of science — we do look forward to hearing about his search for a new reality, in spite of being forced to face the consequences. Namely, it now puts us in the unenviable position of—

—Yes, uhm — thank you, to the woman in the back with the killer pant suit — You are correct, once again we will be postponing the highly anticipated: Stories of Hollywood, Hollywood Will Never Tell.

However — I believe I’ve found a suitable replacement… it’s arguably a bit more niche, but they say to write what you know… and maybe, I don’t give a shit, but you are welcome to FO until next week when I will take on a slightly more controversial -ism ideology… duh-duh-duh dummmm… or is it —

dumdum—dumm.

Shit, I should’ve memorized my dialogue, last night — uhm, line?!?! Got it!

12 RULES FOR ACTING

AN ANTIVENOM FOR HOLLYWOOD

How about I close my eyes so it isn’t awkward — if you wanna leave… do it now! Otherwise, please take a seat so we can begin.

Normally, my coach would make a joke right now, maybe something about her pant suit — to ease any tension in the room, but I like the tension… and I’m very busy living truthfully under the imaginary circumstance of a pretend writer, giving a blockbuster performance as an acting professor. Jokes have gotta come spontaneously — as everyone here knows — all too well — when it comes to comedy, it can’t be forced… just ask SNL.

I genuinely hope you all had a uniquely awkward American Thanksgiving… Those are the ones we’ll all laugh about one day. Well, at least the ones who managed to keep their sense of humor intact. In the spirit of the season, I wanted to give back… however, after 20 plus years in this business, I don’t have much to show for it and nothing of value to offer anyone. Or so I thought?

(Dramatic pause)

Upon deeper reflection… I realized — I do… and now I offer it to you. free of charge (for now).

A road map —

No, not to success — sorry. I can only offer a road map of traps, potholes, landmines, hurdles, and pits of despair (you get the idea) that you can avoid on your way to surefire success.

A quick message to all the mothers who have asked me what advice I could give to their amazing beautiful son that wants to be an actor… my advice is this — No, he doesn’t — and you should tell him that over and over again. Tell him he will undoubtedly fail, that he’ll wind up only needing to memorize one line. “Would you like fries with that?” — Trust me, it’s the charitable thing to do… If he agrees, great… He is free to forge a new path.

However… if he still hasn’t wavered… give him this article, so you don’t have to be the one to give him a reality check and then support the hell out of him.

So you are aware, these rules are exactly what I would tell my kids if they were stupid enough to follow in their Dad’s footsteps. I’ve learned all 12 of these rules the hard way, which is exactly why you should burn them into your memory.

Actually, wait — before we get to the rules. I have a request — well, two… otherwise these rules are useless to you. The first is to be honest with yourself — NO MATTER WHAT… And the second is to know why you are choosing to be an actor. I struggled with the former for most of my career, making the latter almost impossible to ever really know.

In a semi particular order.

1. BACK THE SHIT UP.

As you begin to develop yourself and learn the craft of acting, find another skill to learn simultaneously, one that can be a reliable source of income — and if anyone shames you for having a backup plan or claiming that having one only sets you up for failure — just smile and walk away from that fuck face with the confidence of knowing something they don’t… First of which is that the odds of being an actor that successfully builds enough wealth to sustain you throughout your life are stupidly small… so why not give yourself the ability to supplement your acting career, which may even give you more time to make the dream a reality. And if you become a successful actor — people will find you more relatable and interesting for that reason alone. The most important reason however, is that it may be your only weapon against a a monster that everyone can smell a mile away… Yes, desperation reeks… and it screams one thing, “I’m not good enough.”

And I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but at that point, it won’t matter how big your vision board is or how many positive affirmations you say before that meeting. More on this another week…

2. IT TAKES TIME TO BECOME THE LITTLE PIG IN THE BRICK HOUSE

Don’t expect anyone to rebuild your self-worth when — not ‘if’— the big bad wolf blows down your house of straw. It’s on you to rebuild — every time — each time stronger than the last, until eventually, your house is made of brick — maybe with one of those things surrounding every house in Bel-Air that I’ve been informed don’t actually work — oh, right… a fence. The big bad wolf is like everything else in Hollywood… a figment of the imagination. Take every experience, both good and bad, as an opportunity to fall, stand and learn…

3. PLAY THE GAME, BUT ONLY A LITTLE.

Sadly, there are brilliant actors who will never find success in this industry… However, there are plenty shitty actors that find success. This is a business of relationships, networking, high school and it’s always smart to leave them wanting more. good rule of thumb to live by is this: if you get the sense that you have over stayed your welcome — you already did.Rule #4: Have no more fucks to give.

If you care only about what other people think, eventually you will abandon your own thoughts as you attempt to be exactly who you think they want you to be. You will be wrong 9 times out of 10, but the time you are right will, if you are honest with yourself, trap you in a vicious cycle of needing that validation while feeling like a fraud. A positive self image that relies on validation from Hollywood will leave you and your career begging for an escape hatch, but if it comes from within… then who fucking cares, you win either way, every time.

Bonus: Striving for a self-tape that is exactly what the casting director thinks they want… is exactly what 99% of the other actors have already turned in. Instead, try to show them someone willing to fall flat on their face.

5. NOPE, NEVER GONNA HAPPEN. PERIOD.

The moment you utter these words…

I’ll be happy when…

— you’ve reached an impasse — in order to continue pursuing your dream, you must forego the possibility of happiness. The sad truth is… no — you won’t.

WHEN… NEVER COMES.

5.IF YOU LIKE DRUGS…

…then you will love Hollywood — but if you LOVE drugs, then Hollywood will be your nightmare.

Self-explanatory — I hope, but I’m happy to elaborate… if people are interested.

7. NOBODY CARES…MARK.

Do not make the mistake of conforming to groupthink set by Hollywood’s elite and becoming another sheeple in Hollywood… yes, I know… you are so virtuous, wise and well-traveled.

Do you know who else had the extraordinary ability to stave of humility and self-doubt, while simultaneously riding a horse as high as the heavens?

Me — at 17… alright, fine! I was 25 — and 31, but that was it…

Finally, I was taught a very simple lesson. Nobody cares what actors think — why should they? The biggest actors insist on telling the majority of their fans exactly what they think of them. They keep pissing on their leg and telling them… yeah, it’s piss — because I’m better than you.

But like I said… Nobody cares. Except me — I think it’s a shame that nobody sees the brilliance - each of you are acting like an ultracrepidarian, that only pretends to save the world, while in a heroic cosplay battle against the world’s greatest super villain army called… the normal American people.

That, my friends, was a little example of improvisation.

Apologies, I might’ve got a little carried away.

8. DON’T BE A FOOL.

Magic is created in Hollywood because none of it is real. Acting is a fools game. make peace with that fact, embrace it… you will be a better actor for it.

always remember this little fact — not once in the history of Hollywood has a performance ever cured cancer… so, don’t act like we are — lighten up. It’s okay to have fun. People want actors to entertain, they don’t want actors to save the world… or scold us for ruining it from their private jets.

9. ACCEPTANCE IS THE PERMISSION TO MOVE AHEAD.

(Thank you… Leigh)

Accept that you will experience an unnatural amount of disappointment, rejection, self-doubt and heartbreak (if you’re lucky). It is not the universe giving you a sign that it’s time to give up and go home — it is simply a question that you must answer with honesty: How bad do you want it? If you realize the answer is — not this bad. Well, walk away with your head held high, because you just dodged a bullet.

However, if you answer… more than ever. Well, you’re an idiot, but… a word of advice. See them not as rejections and heartache, but as the tools of your craft… experience it all, then put that moment it in your toolbox, dust yourself off and get back to fucking work.

That shitty audition, meeting, self-tape that you finished 30 seconds ago… is none of your business. Let it go — Move on. Equally — that amazing audition you had — none of your business. Get on with your day.

10.LEAVE THE RULER, TAKE THE YARDSTICK

First, you must learn the rules — both mine and those of Hollywood — in order to excel within them — and only then — are you free to bend them to your will… or shatter them and make your own.

Why a yardstick, you wonder??? one word:

— Intimidation.

(in a whisper) — Maybe we should just cut that line? How about an alt? Don’t ever bring a ruler to a gun fight —

(beat)

— oh… we got it? We’re moving on? Cool. Yeah, I love that line. made perfect sense.

11. DON’T BUY INTO THE HYPE.

If you believe the hype… especially your own. You will undoubtedly believe the criticism. It is the law of diminishing returns — with every purchase… you will get a little bit less and the quality will be a little shittier — until one day, you’ll find yourself looking forward to Thanksgiving — just to get a little hype from your second cousin named Bob.

FYI — Bob is probably lying.

12. “YOU SHOULD JUST BE GRATEFUL YOU HAVE A JOB.”

Uhm, Fuck off… and if anyone in Hollywood ever tells you that… especially if they are your agent or manager — please tell them to fuck off — better yet, tell them to call me and I’ll tell ‘em to fuck off.

Sorry. I mean frick off.

Cut, print, check the gate… gate is good. Ladies and Gentlemen that is a picture wrap on Cam Gigandet.

You’re welcome… everyone. I’m so glad you were able to be a part of my stellar performance… well, not a part of… but, you got to watch — and that’s pretty cool for you — I imagine. When I look around the room at all the people I want to thank — I don’t… see… anyone… uhm.

Wait a sec. Killer pant suit… a great blow out, a little playa dust —

— okay, I was wrong… turns out I can thank someone in here. She is probably the only reason that I am here at all — giving you this once in a lifetime performance.

Hmm, maybe I should be blaming her for the past 20 years! Nah, kidding…

It may seem like I hate Hollywood… and sure, you’d be right… but I stayed this long because of the possibility for her vision of Hollywood to become my reality. I can say a lot about Hollywood, but I must admit — out of that darkness, it can give people the light they need.

Which brings me to a story I’ve never told in its entirety.

I was 19 and on my 2nd month in LA — I’m having lunch with my parents in Santa Monica… 5 minutes in — A fat old guy waddles up to our table, and tells me…

“I could make you a star.”

Up until that moment, the idea of being an actor had never crossed my mind… but c’mon, I was just discovered!!! who am I to deny the world my 19 year old brilliance — so so stupid.

We set up a meeting for later that week — 30 minutes into that meeting — I’m signing a 5 year contract while also getting some creepy vibes that I choose to ignore… he then hands me the name and number of an acting coach.

He called 10 times. In the 20 minutes it took me to get home. I lied to myself… this was just how things were in Hollywood. The next day, I called the acting coach. Met with her in my brooks brothers outfit (seriously.) — I sat in on her class and before the end of that day. I was hooked — I fell in love with her, her friendship and most importantly I fell in love with her vision of what being an actor meant. Sadly, that just hasn’t been my reality.

Nope, my reality began with a manager stalking me for months. 30+ calls a day… waiting outside my house for hours on end only to end up knocking on my door to make sure I was okay… Entertainment lawyers are getting involved… settlements are being reached and keep in mind — I hadn’t even acted a single day in my life. Welcome to Hollywood.

What can I say? I’ve got a flair for the dramatics.

Take a bow.

Shit, can we take that back?? I accidentally read the stage direction. I think I was just supposed to take a bow. Dammit. Back to the top people.

As always — said with love…

But, remember…

This is not Cam Gigandet.

PS: Thank you, Leigh for all of it… N.M.W.

I left typos and grammar errors in there to give the bored people something to do.